TECHNOLOGY

TECHNOLOGY

An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights.
"Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.

"Do you have a fax machine?"

The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."

"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the MG driver wanted to know.
Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.

That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.

A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Mg's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.

The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver.
"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

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Actual dialog of a Microsoft Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my Microsoft Word."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"Yes, they disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Microsoft Word, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into your
computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you may be put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, then turn on the office light."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power...A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them there are just some people that shouldn't own a computer!"

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Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III-500, 256 Megs of RAM, 12 Gig hard drive, and a
DVD!
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer wiz
Abbot: Well, I don't know...

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then..

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button..

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it.
So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button!

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press..

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button, Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.