OLD AGE

OLD AGE

A seventy five year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked him what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then the armpit and even tried to squeeze it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

"The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open !"

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Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: Wow! What is the type?

Dave: Twelve-thirty

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Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.

"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."

After they were settled on the porch, the reporter started, "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"

"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such...and oh, yeah! God talks to me!"

The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"

"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to go to the bathroom in the night, God even turns on the light for me."

The reporter quickly excused himself and went to Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"

"Why?" she asks curiously.

"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.

"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been peeing in the refrigerator again?"

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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An old man was walking in the forest. He heard by his feet a very weak voice.

He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog:
"I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.

The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.

Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked: "What, you're not going to kiss me?"

"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac."

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