GENERAL

GENERAL

LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE
--------------------------------------------

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

***********************************************************************

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Few days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear
Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

***********************************************************************




A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.

So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred three legged birds. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

***********************************************************************

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements; religion, royalty, sex, and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

***********************************************************************

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talking about their future plans as they got into a taxi. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.

Cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

***********************************************************************

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

***********************************************************************

JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"

***********************************************************************

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

***********************************************************************

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is very easy and only three questions.

1. How many days of the week begin with the letter T and what are they?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter
waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one. How many days of the week begin
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. They are two and They'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I
was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about
that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where
you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's
first name?"

Forrest replied, "ANDY."

"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how
you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name ANDY as the first name of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied "I learned it from
the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...MAY 'ANDY' BLESS YOU ALL !"

***********************************************************************

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there.
It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me."

"What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

***********************************************************************
An old Mafia Don was dying. He called his oldest grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lisina me. I wanna you to taka my chroma-plated .38 so you will always remember me.
The young man held his old grandfather's hand and patted it. "But dear grandpoppa, I really don't like guns and I would not want to offend you. How about leaving me your 24-karat gold Rolex watch instead?" The grandfather pulled his hand away. "You lisina me! Soma day, you gonnabe runna da business. You gonna have beautiful wifa, you gonna hava lotsamoney a biga gorgeousa homa and maybe a couple bambinos... Thena, one day, you gonna coma homa and maybe finda you wifa in bed with another mana .....Whata you gonna do then? Huh? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up??' "
***********************************************************************