PETS

PETS

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown but with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more and more angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. Really, I am truly sorry and beg for your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change of heart when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did that chicken do ?"

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A guy went into a pet shop and saw a parrot. He asked the owner what the parrot's name was and if it could talk. The storeowner said his name was Chet and that he sings when you hold fire underneath him. So the guy held fire underneath him and the bird started to sing Jingle Bells.

Then a second guy came in and saw the parrot. He asked the storeowner if it could talk and asked if it had a name. The storeowner replied saying that the bird's name was Chet and he would sing if you held fire underneath him. So the guy held fire under him and he started to sing Frosty the Snow Man.

Finally a third guy came in and saw the parrot. He asked the storeowner what the bird's name was and if he could talk. The owner said his name was Chet and he would sing if you held fire underneath him. So the man held fire underneath him and the bird sang," Chet's nuts roasting on the open fire."

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A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.
So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.

So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.

Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.

Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy.

"What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc's sake!", to which the guy responds "Clever, my foot, this is the second time during this week that he's forgotten his key."

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A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck and a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says "Few months ago our house caught fire in the night while we were all sleeping. He saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The vagrant says "Well, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago.
This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

Farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Oh! you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able
to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to
type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have
to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the
computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that
worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog
and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The
manager said, "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".

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A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot. He pulled over, picked the poor parrot, who was still alive, but Unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside. When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:

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"BARS, bread, water!!!!...Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!!!"