GENERAL
LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE
--------------------------------------------
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Few days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear
Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.
So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred three legged birds. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements; religion, royalty, sex, and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
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Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talking about their future plans as they got into a taxi. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.
Cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."
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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
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JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is very easy and only three questions.
1. How many days of the week begin with the letter T and what are they?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter
waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one. How many days of the week begin
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. They are two and They'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I
was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about
that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where
you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's
first name?"
Forrest replied, "ANDY."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how
you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name ANDY as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied "I learned it from
the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...MAY 'ANDY' BLESS YOU ALL !"
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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there.
It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me."
"What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
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An old Mafia Don was dying. He called his oldest grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lisina me. I wanna you to taka my chroma-plated .38 so you will always remember me.
The young man held his old grandfather's hand and patted it. "But dear grandpoppa, I really don't like guns and I would not want to offend you. How about leaving me your 24-karat gold Rolex watch instead?" The grandfather pulled his hand away. "You lisina me! Soma day, you gonnabe runna da business. You gonna have beautiful wifa, you gonna hava lotsamoney a biga gorgeousa homa and maybe a couple bambinos... Thena, one day, you gonna coma homa and maybe finda you wifa in bed with another mana .....Whata you gonna do then? Huh? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up??' "
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Monday, June 9, 2008
GEORGE BUSH
GEORGE BUSH
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
when his telephone rang.
"Hello! Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Santa Singh from Sahnewal, an Industrial Town in India. I am calling up to inform you that we are officially declaring a war on you!"
"Well, Santa," George Bush replied, "This is indeed an important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment of time," said Santa after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my friend Banta, my cousin Halwanta, my next door neighbour Satwanta, and all the members of our kabbaDii team -- that makes a total of Twenty Five people!"
George Bush sighed. "I must tell you Santa that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Waahe Guru!" said Santa, "I'll have to call you back again!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa called back. "Right Mr. Bush, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Santa?" George Bush asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and a tractor
from the farm."
Once more George Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Santa, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Santa "I'll have to again call you back!"
Sure enough, Santa called again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said George Bush. "Why this sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Santa "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all of us had a chat and we decided that since we would not be able to feed two million POW’s, we need to call off the war."
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One afternoon, George Bush was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed Bush.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied Bush. He turned to the other man and said,
"Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered Bush as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Bush replied, "No problem, the grass in the field behind my home is nearly a foot tall."
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush and his team. They are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
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Once President Bush went to a school to interact with the students. After having one brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him. One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush : What's your name ?
Boy : John
Bush : What's your question ?
John : Sir, I have three questions
1). Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?
2) Where is Osama ??
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ???
Bush : You are an intelligent student, John. (just then the bell for recess rang)
Bush : Oh ! dear students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess
Bush : OK, children where were we ? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question ?
Another boy raised his hand.
Bush : What's your name ?
Boy : Peter
Bush : What's your question ?
Peter : Sir, I have 5 questions.
1). Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?
2) Where is Osama ??
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ???
4) Why did recess bell rang 20 minutes before the scheduled time ????
5) Where is John ?????
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George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
when his telephone rang.
"Hello! Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Santa Singh from Sahnewal, an Industrial Town in India. I am calling up to inform you that we are officially declaring a war on you!"
"Well, Santa," George Bush replied, "This is indeed an important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment of time," said Santa after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my friend Banta, my cousin Halwanta, my next door neighbour Satwanta, and all the members of our kabbaDii team -- that makes a total of Twenty Five people!"
George Bush sighed. "I must tell you Santa that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Waahe Guru!" said Santa, "I'll have to call you back again!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa called back. "Right Mr. Bush, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Santa?" George Bush asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and a tractor
from the farm."
Once more George Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Santa, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Santa "I'll have to again call you back!"
Sure enough, Santa called again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said George Bush. "Why this sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Santa "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all of us had a chat and we decided that since we would not be able to feed two million POW’s, we need to call off the war."
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One afternoon, George Bush was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed Bush.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied Bush. He turned to the other man and said,
"Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered Bush as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Bush replied, "No problem, the grass in the field behind my home is nearly a foot tall."
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush and his team. They are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
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Once President Bush went to a school to interact with the students. After having one brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him. One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush : What's your name ?
Boy : John
Bush : What's your question ?
John : Sir, I have three questions
1). Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?
2) Where is Osama ??
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ???
Bush : You are an intelligent student, John. (just then the bell for recess rang)
Bush : Oh ! dear students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess
Bush : OK, children where were we ? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question ?
Another boy raised his hand.
Bush : What's your name ?
Boy : Peter
Bush : What's your question ?
Peter : Sir, I have 5 questions.
1). Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?
2) Where is Osama ??
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ???
4) Why did recess bell rang 20 minutes before the scheduled time ????
5) Where is John ?????
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GOVERNMENT / POLITICS
GOVERNMENT / POLITICS
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it . . . yes
Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
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Government Verbosity
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
... AND THAT SAYS IT ALL ...
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it . . . yes
Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
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Government Verbosity
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
... AND THAT SAYS IT ALL ...
INERNATIONAL
INERNATIONAL
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve and their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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With the implementation of the Eurodollar underway in Europe these last few years, the European Union is trying to find new ways to standardize practices in Europe.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
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SURVEY
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE YOUR HONEST OPINION ABOUT SOLUTIONS TO THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN THE REST OF THE WORLD?"
The survey was a huge failure,
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!!!
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve and their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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With the implementation of the Eurodollar underway in Europe these last few years, the European Union is trying to find new ways to standardize practices in Europe.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
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SURVEY
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE YOUR HONEST OPINION ABOUT SOLUTIONS TO THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN THE REST OF THE WORLD?"
The survey was a huge failure,
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!!!
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JUDGES, LAWYERS & COURTS
JUDGES, LAWYERS & COURTS
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie. You cheat on your wife. You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president, DR. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, proving that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the bizarre twist. Future investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.
***********************************************************************
The three-time crook felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder-looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"
"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."
***********************************************************************
A young boy asked his father, "Dad, does a lawyer ever speak the truth?"
The father thought for a moment and said, "Yes, son, to win a case, a lawyer may do anything."
***********************************************************************
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?," questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,"Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
It was then that I said, "I'm fine."
***********************************************************************
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
***********************************************************************
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on
Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up
or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU
WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."
***********************************************************************
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie. You cheat on your wife. You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
***********************************************************************
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president, DR. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, proving that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the bizarre twist. Future investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.
***********************************************************************
The three-time crook felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder-looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"
"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."
***********************************************************************
A young boy asked his father, "Dad, does a lawyer ever speak the truth?"
The father thought for a moment and said, "Yes, son, to win a case, a lawyer may do anything."
***********************************************************************
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?," questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,"Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
It was then that I said, "I'm fine."
***********************************************************************
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
***********************************************************************
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on
Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up
or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU
WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."
***********************************************************************
JUST FOR FUN
JUST FOR FUN
How to Handle a Bad Day...
This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took time to tell you this story, is to show you if ever anything is really bothering you, how you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have is number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up
I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while, things seemed to be going better for me as I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. But after several months of calling the jackasses, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them
I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.
***********************************************************************
How to Handle a Bad Day...
This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took time to tell you this story, is to show you if ever anything is really bothering you, how you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have is number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up
I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while, things seemed to be going better for me as I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. But after several months of calling the jackasses, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them
I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.
***********************************************************************
KIDS CORNER
KIDS CORNER
Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over whose father could beat the other' up.
The brown-haired kid said, "My father is way better than yours."
The blond came back, "Maybe, but my mother is better than yours."
"I agree because this is what my father also says."
***********************************************************************
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over whose father could beat the other' up.
The brown-haired kid said, "My father is way better than yours."
The blond came back, "Maybe, but my mother is better than yours."
"I agree because this is what my father also says."
***********************************************************************
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
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