AUTHORS & WRITERS
The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.
Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.
They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either.
McCourt said, "Leave it to me."
When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:
"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."
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Monday, June 9, 2008
BLONDES
BLONDES
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I
hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
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Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..", then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance that said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror, which if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
A SARDARJI ENCOUNTERS A BLONDE
A young sardarji, a ventriloquist, was touring various clubs and was very popular for giving plenty of sardarji’s jokes through his dummy. One night he was doing a show in a club in a small town in Arkansas. Sardarji introduced himself to the audience and for a change instead of going through his usual sardarji’s stuff, with his dummy on his knee, he started giving the dumb blonde jokes. All of a sudden, a blonde woman from the 4th row stood up to her full height and started shouting at the top of her voice, "What do you think of yourself? I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is people like you who defame the women and keep women like me from being respected at work and in the society and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all this in the name of humour!" Sardarji felt very much embarrassed and began to apologize when the blonde woman yelled, "Mr. Singh, please, you stay out of this! I'm not talking to you. I am talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"
***********************************************************************
A blonde, brunette, and a red head are stranded on an island. Finally they decided to swim across the 100 mile ocean to their home. On the day they swam the brunette swam 25 miles and drowned. The red head swam 50 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 75 miles, got tired, and swam back.
***********************************************************************
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from
the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't
jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50
she owed.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5
o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The Blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!
***********************************************************************
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”
***********************************************************************
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I
hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
***********************************************************************
Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..", then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance that said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror, which if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
A SARDARJI ENCOUNTERS A BLONDE
A young sardarji, a ventriloquist, was touring various clubs and was very popular for giving plenty of sardarji’s jokes through his dummy. One night he was doing a show in a club in a small town in Arkansas. Sardarji introduced himself to the audience and for a change instead of going through his usual sardarji’s stuff, with his dummy on his knee, he started giving the dumb blonde jokes. All of a sudden, a blonde woman from the 4th row stood up to her full height and started shouting at the top of her voice, "What do you think of yourself? I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is people like you who defame the women and keep women like me from being respected at work and in the society and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all this in the name of humour!" Sardarji felt very much embarrassed and began to apologize when the blonde woman yelled, "Mr. Singh, please, you stay out of this! I'm not talking to you. I am talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"
***********************************************************************
A blonde, brunette, and a red head are stranded on an island. Finally they decided to swim across the 100 mile ocean to their home. On the day they swam the brunette swam 25 miles and drowned. The red head swam 50 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 75 miles, got tired, and swam back.
***********************************************************************
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from
the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't
jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50
she owed.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5
o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The Blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!
***********************************************************************
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”
***********************************************************************
BUSINESS
BUSINESS
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
From the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
From the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
COMMON SENSE
COMMON SENSE
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the servicing area and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
***********************************************************************
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, replied the veteran, especially since this was a bus stop.
***********************************************************************
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
***********************************************************************
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the servicing area and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
***********************************************************************
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, replied the veteran, especially since this was a bus stop.
***********************************************************************
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
***********************************************************************
CRIMES & PUNISHMENTS
CRIMES & PUNISHMENTS
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
***********************************************************************
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
***********************************************************************
DRRUNKARDS
DRRUNKARDS
A recipe for Fruitcake :
Ingredients:
1 gallon whiskey, 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, 1/2 cup nuts
Directions:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
sdrewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who likes fruitcake anyway?
***********************************************************************
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
***********************************************************************
A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.
Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling "Big Jake's comin'!" Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders.
The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing "Gimme a drink!" The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.
At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked "Sir, would you care for another?" To which the cowboy replied, "Nope. I gotta go.
Big Jake's comin'!"
***********************************************************************
A recipe for Fruitcake :
Ingredients:
1 gallon whiskey, 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, 1/2 cup nuts
Directions:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
sdrewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who likes fruitcake anyway?
***********************************************************************
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
***********************************************************************
A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.
Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling "Big Jake's comin'!" Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders.
The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing "Gimme a drink!" The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.
At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked "Sir, would you care for another?" To which the cowboy replied, "Nope. I gotta go.
Big Jake's comin'!"
***********************************************************************
EDUCATION, TEACHING & TRAINING
EDUCATION, TEACHING & TRAINING
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me told me that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
***********************************************************************
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes:
"They have reproduced." The Mathematician says: "Now the house will be empty again, if another person enters the house."
***********************************************************************
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me
do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked,
"Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter
what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20."
"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the
dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean,
crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by
WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't ever forget it. Count your
Blessings, not your problems."
***********************************************************************
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me told me that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
***********************************************************************
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes:
"They have reproduced." The Mathematician says: "Now the house will be empty again, if another person enters the house."
***********************************************************************
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me
do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked,
"Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter
what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20."
"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the
dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean,
crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by
WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't ever forget it. Count your
Blessings, not your problems."
***********************************************************************
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