AUTHORS & WRITERS
The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.
Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.
They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either.
McCourt said, "Leave it to me."
When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this:
"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."
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Monday, June 9, 2008
BLONDES
BLONDES
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I
hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
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Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..", then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance that said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror, which if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
A SARDARJI ENCOUNTERS A BLONDE
A young sardarji, a ventriloquist, was touring various clubs and was very popular for giving plenty of sardarji’s jokes through his dummy. One night he was doing a show in a club in a small town in Arkansas. Sardarji introduced himself to the audience and for a change instead of going through his usual sardarji’s stuff, with his dummy on his knee, he started giving the dumb blonde jokes. All of a sudden, a blonde woman from the 4th row stood up to her full height and started shouting at the top of her voice, "What do you think of yourself? I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is people like you who defame the women and keep women like me from being respected at work and in the society and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all this in the name of humour!" Sardarji felt very much embarrassed and began to apologize when the blonde woman yelled, "Mr. Singh, please, you stay out of this! I'm not talking to you. I am talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"
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A blonde, brunette, and a red head are stranded on an island. Finally they decided to swim across the 100 mile ocean to their home. On the day they swam the brunette swam 25 miles and drowned. The red head swam 50 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 75 miles, got tired, and swam back.
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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from
the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't
jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50
she owed.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5
o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The Blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!
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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”
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A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I
hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
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Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..", then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance that said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror, which if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
A SARDARJI ENCOUNTERS A BLONDE
A young sardarji, a ventriloquist, was touring various clubs and was very popular for giving plenty of sardarji’s jokes through his dummy. One night he was doing a show in a club in a small town in Arkansas. Sardarji introduced himself to the audience and for a change instead of going through his usual sardarji’s stuff, with his dummy on his knee, he started giving the dumb blonde jokes. All of a sudden, a blonde woman from the 4th row stood up to her full height and started shouting at the top of her voice, "What do you think of yourself? I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is people like you who defame the women and keep women like me from being respected at work and in the society and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all this in the name of humour!" Sardarji felt very much embarrassed and began to apologize when the blonde woman yelled, "Mr. Singh, please, you stay out of this! I'm not talking to you. I am talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"
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A blonde, brunette, and a red head are stranded on an island. Finally they decided to swim across the 100 mile ocean to their home. On the day they swam the brunette swam 25 miles and drowned. The red head swam 50 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 75 miles, got tired, and swam back.
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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from
the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't
jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50
she owed.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5
o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The Blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!
***********************************************************************
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”
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BUSINESS
BUSINESS
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
From the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
From the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
COMMON SENSE
COMMON SENSE
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the servicing area and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
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A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, replied the veteran, especially since this was a bus stop.
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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the servicing area and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
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A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, replied the veteran, especially since this was a bus stop.
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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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CRIMES & PUNISHMENTS
CRIMES & PUNISHMENTS
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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DRRUNKARDS
DRRUNKARDS
A recipe for Fruitcake :
Ingredients:
1 gallon whiskey, 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, 1/2 cup nuts
Directions:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
sdrewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who likes fruitcake anyway?
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A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
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A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.
Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling "Big Jake's comin'!" Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders.
The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing "Gimme a drink!" The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.
At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked "Sir, would you care for another?" To which the cowboy replied, "Nope. I gotta go.
Big Jake's comin'!"
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A recipe for Fruitcake :
Ingredients:
1 gallon whiskey, 1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, 1/2 cup nuts
Directions:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
sdrewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who likes fruitcake anyway?
***********************************************************************
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
***********************************************************************
A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.
Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling "Big Jake's comin'!" Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders.
The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing "Gimme a drink!" The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.
At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked "Sir, would you care for another?" To which the cowboy replied, "Nope. I gotta go.
Big Jake's comin'!"
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EDUCATION, TEACHING & TRAINING
EDUCATION, TEACHING & TRAINING
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me told me that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
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A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes:
"They have reproduced." The Mathematician says: "Now the house will be empty again, if another person enters the house."
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A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me
do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked,
"Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter
what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20."
"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the
dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean,
crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by
WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't ever forget it. Count your
Blessings, not your problems."
***********************************************************************
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me told me that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
***********************************************************************
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes:
"They have reproduced." The Mathematician says: "Now the house will be empty again, if another person enters the house."
***********************************************************************
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me
do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked,
"Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter
what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20."
"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the
dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean,
crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by
WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't ever forget it. Count your
Blessings, not your problems."
***********************************************************************
GAMBLING
GAMBLING
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington goes to the Smith house and comes back with a pack of six. The other guys ask him from where he got the pack of six. Rippington says, "Smith's wife gave it." They said, "How is it that you tell her that Smith is dead and she gives you a pack of six." Rippington tells, "I went to Smith's house and his wife opened the door. I asked her if she was widow of Smith. She said she is not a widow. I told her she was. She said she could bet a pack of six and I agreed."
***********************************************************************
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
***********************************************************************
At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"
The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes," the gambler concedes.
"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I want. I'll take an 8."
***********************************************************************
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington goes to the Smith house and comes back with a pack of six. The other guys ask him from where he got the pack of six. Rippington says, "Smith's wife gave it." They said, "How is it that you tell her that Smith is dead and she gives you a pack of six." Rippington tells, "I went to Smith's house and his wife opened the door. I asked her if she was widow of Smith. She said she is not a widow. I told her she was. She said she could bet a pack of six and I agreed."
***********************************************************************
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
***********************************************************************
At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"
The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes," the gambler concedes.
"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I want. I'll take an 8."
***********************************************************************
GENERAL
GENERAL
LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE
--------------------------------------------
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
***********************************************************************
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Few days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear
Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
***********************************************************************
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.
So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred three legged birds. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
***********************************************************************
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements; religion, royalty, sex, and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
***********************************************************************
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talking about their future plans as they got into a taxi. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.
Cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."
***********************************************************************
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
***********************************************************************
JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"
***********************************************************************
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
***********************************************************************
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is very easy and only three questions.
1. How many days of the week begin with the letter T and what are they?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter
waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one. How many days of the week begin
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. They are two and They'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I
was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about
that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where
you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's
first name?"
Forrest replied, "ANDY."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how
you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name ANDY as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied "I learned it from
the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...MAY 'ANDY' BLESS YOU ALL !"
***********************************************************************
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there.
It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me."
"What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
***********************************************************************
An old Mafia Don was dying. He called his oldest grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lisina me. I wanna you to taka my chroma-plated .38 so you will always remember me.
The young man held his old grandfather's hand and patted it. "But dear grandpoppa, I really don't like guns and I would not want to offend you. How about leaving me your 24-karat gold Rolex watch instead?" The grandfather pulled his hand away. "You lisina me! Soma day, you gonnabe runna da business. You gonna have beautiful wifa, you gonna hava lotsamoney a biga gorgeousa homa and maybe a couple bambinos... Thena, one day, you gonna coma homa and maybe finda you wifa in bed with another mana .....Whata you gonna do then? Huh? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up??' "
***********************************************************************
LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE
--------------------------------------------
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
***********************************************************************
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Few days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear
Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
***********************************************************************
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.
So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred three legged birds. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
***********************************************************************
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements; religion, royalty, sex, and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
***********************************************************************
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talking about their future plans as they got into a taxi. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.
Cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."
***********************************************************************
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
***********************************************************************
JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"
***********************************************************************
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
***********************************************************************
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is very easy and only three questions.
1. How many days of the week begin with the letter T and what are they?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter
waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one. How many days of the week begin
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. They are two and They'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I
was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about
that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where
you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's
first name?"
Forrest replied, "ANDY."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how
you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name ANDY as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied "I learned it from
the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...MAY 'ANDY' BLESS YOU ALL !"
***********************************************************************
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there.
It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" TWA!" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me."
"What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
***********************************************************************
An old Mafia Don was dying. He called his oldest grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lisina me. I wanna you to taka my chroma-plated .38 so you will always remember me.
The young man held his old grandfather's hand and patted it. "But dear grandpoppa, I really don't like guns and I would not want to offend you. How about leaving me your 24-karat gold Rolex watch instead?" The grandfather pulled his hand away. "You lisina me! Soma day, you gonnabe runna da business. You gonna have beautiful wifa, you gonna hava lotsamoney a biga gorgeousa homa and maybe a couple bambinos... Thena, one day, you gonna coma homa and maybe finda you wifa in bed with another mana .....Whata you gonna do then? Huh? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up??' "
***********************************************************************
GEORGE BUSH
GEORGE BUSH
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
when his telephone rang.
"Hello! Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Santa Singh from Sahnewal, an Industrial Town in India. I am calling up to inform you that we are officially declaring a war on you!"
"Well, Santa," George Bush replied, "This is indeed an important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment of time," said Santa after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my friend Banta, my cousin Halwanta, my next door neighbour Satwanta, and all the members of our kabbaDii team -- that makes a total of Twenty Five people!"
George Bush sighed. "I must tell you Santa that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Waahe Guru!" said Santa, "I'll have to call you back again!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa called back. "Right Mr. Bush, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Santa?" George Bush asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and a tractor
from the farm."
Once more George Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Santa, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Santa "I'll have to again call you back!"
Sure enough, Santa called again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said George Bush. "Why this sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Santa "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all of us had a chat and we decided that since we would not be able to feed two million POW’s, we need to call off the war."
***********************************************************************
One afternoon, George Bush was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed Bush.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied Bush. He turned to the other man and said,
"Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered Bush as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Bush replied, "No problem, the grass in the field behind my home is nearly a foot tall."
***********************************************************************
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush and his team. They are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
***********************************************************************
Once President Bush went to a school to interact with the students. After having one brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him. One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush : What's your name ?
Boy : John
Bush : What's your question ?
John : Sir, I have three questions
1). Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?
2) Where is Osama ??
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ???
Bush : You are an intelligent student, John. (just then the bell for recess rang)
Bush : Oh ! dear students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess
Bush : OK, children where were we ? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question ?
Another boy raised his hand.
Bush : What's your name ?
Boy : Peter
Bush : What's your question ?
Peter : Sir, I have 5 questions.
1). Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?
2) Where is Osama ??
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ???
4) Why did recess bell rang 20 minutes before the scheduled time ????
5) Where is John ?????
***********************************************************************
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next
when his telephone rang.
"Hello! Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Santa Singh from Sahnewal, an Industrial Town in India. I am calling up to inform you that we are officially declaring a war on you!"
"Well, Santa," George Bush replied, "This is indeed an important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment of time," said Santa after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my friend Banta, my cousin Halwanta, my next door neighbour Satwanta, and all the members of our kabbaDii team -- that makes a total of Twenty Five people!"
George Bush sighed. "I must tell you Santa that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Waahe Guru!" said Santa, "I'll have to call you back again!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa called back. "Right Mr. Bush, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Santa?" George Bush asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and a tractor
from the farm."
Once more George Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Santa, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Santa "I'll have to again call you back!"
Sure enough, Santa called again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said George Bush. "Why this sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Santa "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all of us had a chat and we decided that since we would not be able to feed two million POW’s, we need to call off the war."
***********************************************************************
One afternoon, George Bush was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed Bush.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied Bush. He turned to the other man and said,
"Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered Bush as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Bush replied, "No problem, the grass in the field behind my home is nearly a foot tall."
***********************************************************************
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush and his team. They are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
***********************************************************************
Once President Bush went to a school to interact with the students. After having one brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him. One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush : What's your name ?
Boy : John
Bush : What's your question ?
John : Sir, I have three questions
1). Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?
2) Where is Osama ??
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ???
Bush : You are an intelligent student, John. (just then the bell for recess rang)
Bush : Oh ! dear students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess
Bush : OK, children where were we ? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question ?
Another boy raised his hand.
Bush : What's your name ?
Boy : Peter
Bush : What's your question ?
Peter : Sir, I have 5 questions.
1). Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO ?
2) Where is Osama ??
3) Why does America support Pakistan so much ???
4) Why did recess bell rang 20 minutes before the scheduled time ????
5) Where is John ?????
***********************************************************************
GOVERNMENT / POLITICS
GOVERNMENT / POLITICS
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it . . . yes
Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
***********************************************************************
Government Verbosity
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
... AND THAT SAYS IT ALL ...
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it . . . yes
Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
***********************************************************************
Government Verbosity
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
... AND THAT SAYS IT ALL ...
INERNATIONAL
INERNATIONAL
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve and their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
***********************************************************************
With the implementation of the Eurodollar underway in Europe these last few years, the European Union is trying to find new ways to standardize practices in Europe.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
***********************************************************************
SURVEY
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE YOUR HONEST OPINION ABOUT SOLUTIONS TO THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN THE REST OF THE WORLD?"
The survey was a huge failure,
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!!!
***********************************************************************
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve and their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
***********************************************************************
With the implementation of the Eurodollar underway in Europe these last few years, the European Union is trying to find new ways to standardize practices in Europe.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
***********************************************************************
SURVEY
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE YOUR HONEST OPINION ABOUT SOLUTIONS TO THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN THE REST OF THE WORLD?"
The survey was a huge failure,
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!!!
***********************************************************************
JUDGES, LAWYERS & COURTS
JUDGES, LAWYERS & COURTS
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie. You cheat on your wife. You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
***********************************************************************
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president, DR. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, proving that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the bizarre twist. Future investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.
***********************************************************************
The three-time crook felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder-looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"
"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."
***********************************************************************
A young boy asked his father, "Dad, does a lawyer ever speak the truth?"
The father thought for a moment and said, "Yes, son, to win a case, a lawyer may do anything."
***********************************************************************
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?," questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,"Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
It was then that I said, "I'm fine."
***********************************************************************
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
***********************************************************************
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on
Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up
or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU
WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."
***********************************************************************
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie. You cheat on your wife. You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
***********************************************************************
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president, DR. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, proving that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the bizarre twist. Future investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.
***********************************************************************
The three-time crook felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder-looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"
"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."
***********************************************************************
A young boy asked his father, "Dad, does a lawyer ever speak the truth?"
The father thought for a moment and said, "Yes, son, to win a case, a lawyer may do anything."
***********************************************************************
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?," questioned the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,"Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
It was then that I said, "I'm fine."
***********************************************************************
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
***********************************************************************
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on
Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up
or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU
WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."
***********************************************************************
JUST FOR FUN
JUST FOR FUN
How to Handle a Bad Day...
This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took time to tell you this story, is to show you if ever anything is really bothering you, how you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have is number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up
I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while, things seemed to be going better for me as I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. But after several months of calling the jackasses, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them
I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.
***********************************************************************
How to Handle a Bad Day...
This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took time to tell you this story, is to show you if ever anything is really bothering you, how you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have is number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up
I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while, things seemed to be going better for me as I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. But after several months of calling the jackasses, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them
I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.
***********************************************************************
KIDS CORNER
KIDS CORNER
Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over whose father could beat the other' up.
The brown-haired kid said, "My father is way better than yours."
The blond came back, "Maybe, but my mother is better than yours."
"I agree because this is what my father also says."
***********************************************************************
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over whose father could beat the other' up.
The brown-haired kid said, "My father is way better than yours."
The blond came back, "Maybe, but my mother is better than yours."
"I agree because this is what my father also says."
***********************************************************************
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
MADS / MENTALS
MADS / MENTALS
There is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Greg and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.
The doctor came out and motioned for Greg to come in for his questioning.
When Greg came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Greg you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Greg nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Greg if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Greg answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Greg knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Greg got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Greg. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "My hat would fall down over my eyes!"
There is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Greg and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.
The doctor came out and motioned for Greg to come in for his questioning.
When Greg came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Greg you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Greg nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Greg if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Greg answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Greg knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Greg got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Greg. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "My hat would fall down over my eyes!"
MALES VS. FEMALES
MALES VS. FEMALES
Men
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
Men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
***********************************************************************
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie 3 times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Men
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
Men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
***********************************************************************
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie 3 times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
MARRIAGE & MARRIED LIFE
MARRIAGE & MARRIED LIFE
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick :
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling ! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night ?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean ? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me ??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT !... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married !!"
Broken Coffee Table : $ 239.99
Hot Breakfast : $ 4.20
Two Aspirins : $ 0.38
Saying The Right Thing
At The Right Time : PRICELESS
***********************************************************************
A husband and wife were having marital problems. Finally the husband gets sick of it and takes his wife to a Family & Marriage Therapist. The therapist asks them each questions and listens to their responses and their arguments. Finally after a long time, the therapist calls the wife over, holds her hand, gives her a hug and gives her a kiss on the cheek. The wife is surprised, and blushes but apparently likes the attention she received. The therapists turn to the husband and tells him, "See, that is all your wife needs." The husband, overjoyed, says: "That's it? Great, I'll bring her in Mondays and Wednesdays".
***********************************************************************
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
***********************************************************************
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
***********************************************************************
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to
the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
You know, what the Lord replied ?
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learnt your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
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Smart woman...don't get mad... get even!!
True story from Sweden some might enjoy.......
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home. Including the curtain rods.
***********************************************************************
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life he would have to do without sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
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A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her an engagement ring she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will work hard on my studies," young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
Father answers, "He has no job & no plans, but good news is he thinks
I'm God."
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick :
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling ! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night ?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean ? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me ??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT !... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married !!"
Broken Coffee Table : $ 239.99
Hot Breakfast : $ 4.20
Two Aspirins : $ 0.38
Saying The Right Thing
At The Right Time : PRICELESS
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A husband and wife were having marital problems. Finally the husband gets sick of it and takes his wife to a Family & Marriage Therapist. The therapist asks them each questions and listens to their responses and their arguments. Finally after a long time, the therapist calls the wife over, holds her hand, gives her a hug and gives her a kiss on the cheek. The wife is surprised, and blushes but apparently likes the attention she received. The therapists turn to the husband and tells him, "See, that is all your wife needs." The husband, overjoyed, says: "That's it? Great, I'll bring her in Mondays and Wednesdays".
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to
the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
You know, what the Lord replied ?
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learnt your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
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Smart woman...don't get mad... get even!!
True story from Sweden some might enjoy.......
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home. Including the curtain rods.
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An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life he would have to do without sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
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A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her an engagement ring she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will work hard on my studies," young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
Father answers, "He has no job & no plans, but good news is he thinks
I'm God."
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
OLD AGE
OLD AGE
A seventy five year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was clean and empty as the previous day.
The doctor asked him what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then the armpit and even tried to squeeze it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
"The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open !"
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Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What is the type?
Dave: Twelve-thirty
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Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.
"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."
After they were settled on the porch, the reporter started, "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"
"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such...and oh, yeah! God talks to me!"
The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"
"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to go to the bathroom in the night, God even turns on the light for me."
The reporter quickly excused himself and went to Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"
"Why?" she asks curiously.
"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.
"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been peeing in the refrigerator again?"
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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An old man was walking in the forest. He heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog:
"I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked: "What, you're not going to kiss me?"
"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac."
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A seventy five year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was clean and empty as the previous day.
The doctor asked him what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then the armpit and even tried to squeeze it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
"The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open !"
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Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What is the type?
Dave: Twelve-thirty
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Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.
"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."
After they were settled on the porch, the reporter started, "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"
"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such...and oh, yeah! God talks to me!"
The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"
"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to go to the bathroom in the night, God even turns on the light for me."
The reporter quickly excused himself and went to Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"
"Why?" she asks curiously.
"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.
"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been peeing in the refrigerator again?"
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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An old man was walking in the forest. He heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog:
"I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked: "What, you're not going to kiss me?"
"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac."
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PETS
PETS
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown but with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more and more angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. Really, I am truly sorry and beg for your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change of heart when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did that chicken do ?"
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A guy went into a pet shop and saw a parrot. He asked the owner what the parrot's name was and if it could talk. The storeowner said his name was Chet and that he sings when you hold fire underneath him. So the guy held fire underneath him and the bird started to sing Jingle Bells.
Then a second guy came in and saw the parrot. He asked the storeowner if it could talk and asked if it had a name. The storeowner replied saying that the bird's name was Chet and he would sing if you held fire underneath him. So the guy held fire under him and he started to sing Frosty the Snow Man.
Finally a third guy came in and saw the parrot. He asked the storeowner what the bird's name was and if he could talk. The owner said his name was Chet and he would sing if you held fire underneath him. So the man held fire underneath him and the bird sang," Chet's nuts roasting on the open fire."
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A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.
So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.
So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.
Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy.
"What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc's sake!", to which the guy responds "Clever, my foot, this is the second time during this week that he's forgotten his key."
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A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck and a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"
The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."
The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"
The farmer says "Few months ago our house caught fire in the night while we were all sleeping. He saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."
The vagrant says "Well, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."
The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago.
This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"
Farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Oh! you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"
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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able
to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to
type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have
to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the
computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that
worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog
and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The
manager said, "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".
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A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot. He pulled over, picked the poor parrot, who was still alive, but Unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside. When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
"BARS, bread, water!!!!...Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!!!"
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown but with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more and more angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. Really, I am truly sorry and beg for your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change of heart when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did that chicken do ?"
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A guy went into a pet shop and saw a parrot. He asked the owner what the parrot's name was and if it could talk. The storeowner said his name was Chet and that he sings when you hold fire underneath him. So the guy held fire underneath him and the bird started to sing Jingle Bells.
Then a second guy came in and saw the parrot. He asked the storeowner if it could talk and asked if it had a name. The storeowner replied saying that the bird's name was Chet and he would sing if you held fire underneath him. So the guy held fire under him and he started to sing Frosty the Snow Man.
Finally a third guy came in and saw the parrot. He asked the storeowner what the bird's name was and if he could talk. The owner said his name was Chet and he would sing if you held fire underneath him. So the man held fire underneath him and the bird sang," Chet's nuts roasting on the open fire."
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A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.
So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.
So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.
Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy.
"What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc's sake!", to which the guy responds "Clever, my foot, this is the second time during this week that he's forgotten his key."
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A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up."
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck and a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"
The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."
The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"
The farmer says "Few months ago our house caught fire in the night while we were all sleeping. He saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."
The vagrant says "Well, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."
The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago.
This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"
Farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Oh! you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"
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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able
to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to
type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have
to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the
computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that
worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog
and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The
manager said, "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".
***********************************************************************
A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot. He pulled over, picked the poor parrot, who was still alive, but Unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside. When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
"BARS, bread, water!!!!...Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!!!"
REGION / COMMUNITIES
REGION / COMMUNITIES
Bihar mein Police mein bhartii ke interview mein :-
Adhikaarii : Kyaa naam hai ?
Praarthii : RamKhilavan.
Adhikaarii : Kahaan ke rehane waale ho ?
Praarthii : Mujapharpur.
Adhikaarii : Kittaa paRhe huye ho ?
Praarthii : Bol diyaa naa ki Mujapharpur ke reahne waale hain, phir kaahe puuchhte ho “kittaa paRhe huye ho“,
***********************************************************************
A Mallu woman goes for a job interview to be a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire and gold & white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN". Nevertheless, he still had to entertain her.So he told the woman, "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance!
The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK".
The Mallu thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW....BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, lah....Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank You."
The Manager fainted.
***********************************************************************
A smart Mallu story.
A family at Changanachery (Kerala) was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from Kuwait. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top, which read as follows:
Dear brothers and sisters,
I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the Parelpally cemetery. Sorry, I could not come along because nurses' salary is going to increase from next month. So, I doubt, I will not get the increase in case I am not here. You will find inside the coffin, under Amma's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 4 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On the sides of her head there is a tin each of Nido and Tang. On Amma's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Biju.
Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Lijju's and Ammani's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Amma is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Biju and the others are for Tomy and Suresh. Amma is also wearing 6 Wonder Bras and 12 Victoria's Secret panties. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans Amma is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Minju wanted is on Amma's left wrist.
Tangamma Aunty, Amma is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you had asked for. Please take them. The 6 white cotton socks that Amma is wearing must be divided among Pradeep and Nikhil.
In Amma's pockets there are about 25 envelopes that are to be posted immediately. Some are drafts from the Exchange Company. Those marked "By Hand" are to be hand delivered (These letters are from my friends in the Hostel, Pisukkikal, Thanne, Enthu and Cheyyam) and there is Rosamma's wedding album I brought here to show to my friends in Riggae Hostel on my last visit. Also, you will find some syringes and two boxes of panadol and some other medicines which I don't know what for. But still I am sending them. Give it to the neighbours or Shanthamma, OK?
In case you require any more things, please do write to me. Of late, Papa is also not keeping well these days.
Anu Mol
***********************************************************************
Bihar mein Police mein bhartii ke interview mein :-
Adhikaarii : Kyaa naam hai ?
Praarthii : RamKhilavan.
Adhikaarii : Kahaan ke rehane waale ho ?
Praarthii : Mujapharpur.
Adhikaarii : Kittaa paRhe huye ho ?
Praarthii : Bol diyaa naa ki Mujapharpur ke reahne waale hain, phir kaahe puuchhte ho “kittaa paRhe huye ho“,
***********************************************************************
A Mallu woman goes for a job interview to be a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire and gold & white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN". Nevertheless, he still had to entertain her.So he told the woman, "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance!
The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK".
The Mallu thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW....BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, lah....Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank You."
The Manager fainted.
***********************************************************************
A smart Mallu story.
A family at Changanachery (Kerala) was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from Kuwait. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top, which read as follows:
Dear brothers and sisters,
I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the Parelpally cemetery. Sorry, I could not come along because nurses' salary is going to increase from next month. So, I doubt, I will not get the increase in case I am not here. You will find inside the coffin, under Amma's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 4 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On the sides of her head there is a tin each of Nido and Tang. On Amma's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Biju.
Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Lijju's and Ammani's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Amma is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Biju and the others are for Tomy and Suresh. Amma is also wearing 6 Wonder Bras and 12 Victoria's Secret panties. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans Amma is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Minju wanted is on Amma's left wrist.
Tangamma Aunty, Amma is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you had asked for. Please take them. The 6 white cotton socks that Amma is wearing must be divided among Pradeep and Nikhil.
In Amma's pockets there are about 25 envelopes that are to be posted immediately. Some are drafts from the Exchange Company. Those marked "By Hand" are to be hand delivered (These letters are from my friends in the Hostel, Pisukkikal, Thanne, Enthu and Cheyyam) and there is Rosamma's wedding album I brought here to show to my friends in Riggae Hostel on my last visit. Also, you will find some syringes and two boxes of panadol and some other medicines which I don't know what for. But still I am sending them. Give it to the neighbours or Shanthamma, OK?
In case you require any more things, please do write to me. Of late, Papa is also not keeping well these days.
Anu Mol
***********************************************************************
RELIGION & RELIGIOUS PLACES
RELIGION & RELIGIOUS PLACES
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost.
But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
***********************************************************************
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"
The atheist yells back, "There is no God".
She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord".
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she says, "Praise the Lord".
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries for you there is no God".
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts, "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"
***********************************************************************
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost.
But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
***********************************************************************
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"
The atheist yells back, "There is no God".
She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord".
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she says, "Praise the Lord".
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries for you there is no God".
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts, "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"
***********************************************************************
RICH & POOR
RICH & POOR
Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess
Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I'll get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied,
"Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.
Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess
Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I'll get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied,
"Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.
ROAD SAFETY / ACCIDENTS
ROAD SAFETY / ACCIDENTS
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only three states: South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas, were different; where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
***********************************************************************
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
***********************************************************************
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only three states: South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas, were different; where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
***********************************************************************
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
***********************************************************************
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.
Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Now I guess, it was a "SHELL" sign and someone was standing in front of the 'S'.
***********************************************************************
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only three states: South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas, were different; where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
***********************************************************************
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
***********************************************************************
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only three states: South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas, were different; where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
***********************************************************************
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
***********************************************************************
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.
Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Now I guess, it was a "SHELL" sign and someone was standing in front of the 'S'.
***********************************************************************
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